There’s a long enough list of reasons I have been carrying around justifying how I see the world. Sarah Palin! Can you believe it! What a put-down!

I really have better things to do. Despite the somewhat brief periods of falsely feeling powerful and superior as I judge whoever for whatever reason, I really have better things to do. There are experts who are running the Obama campaign, and my jumping up and down and screaming for justice isn’t going to help things a bit.

There are plenty of people in the world who don’t seem to understand that they are no better than anyone else, and who are willing to treat others in a deceitful way as though it’s their right. If you’re someone who likes to trust people, this can be painful.

The other day I asked a business person about a product where a person with bad credit can hire an attorney to approach creditors and make them prove that whatever is on the persons credit report is real. The idea is that enough of these companies will not want to go through the trouble of producing the history of the persons account and will have to remove evidence of the delinquency from the persons credit report. I asked what he thought of how ethical this practice is. He replied that it wasn’t ethical of the credit bureaus to make any errors, so they are just getting paid back.

Needless to say, I am not going to subscribe to this organization. 

There’s something about chasing the buck for me that usually puts me deep in a hole. But when I just work, just do my job honestly, my needs are taken care of. When I compare numbers with someone and I think I should have so much or make so much, I slide into that hole.

Years ago I knew someone who made 2-3 times what I did, yet this person had a fraction of my disposable income. There wasn’t much to show for where the money went, either, and I couldn’t understand why anyone would put themself into a position of stress over money. I think money is really devalued by so many people.

During some political program, a woman said she had just learned that she lived in poverty. She never thought of herself as poor, she lived within her means and wasn’t unhappy or worried about the state of her life.

In the Reagan years, a statistic floated around saying that 20% of the people driving BMW’s were able to afford them.

Tony Robbins talks about managing your state. Keeping things simple and real keeps my feet on the ground.

I cannot change the political outcome of this election, of how people see the candidates, of the untruths people believe. I cannot change who I really am by pretending I have something that will make people respect me. I lose myself that way.

I can do a few simple, but not always easy, things that will help me to become better. That’s become better, which doesn’t translate to immediately feel better. Although sometimes that happens, too. When my mind wants something of you, wants you to see me a certain way, I’m either about to take that slide into that hole, or am already so buried in the gunk I’m not sure which way is out.

Fortunately, there are other ways to live, and I remember that it is I living my life. Thank God for free choice!

I am making an attempt to stay away from politics, and in doing this looking for a subject to write something short and sweet about.

This week, I could write about my neighbors dogs. Just about everytime I tell someone that my neighbor has two pit mixes, there is a quick response about dangerous dogs and irresponsible people. With the recent history of the pitbull, I understand a persons fear. I don’t understand the quickness to judge another human being. 

I’ll get back to the dog story at some point, for now though, thinking about judging reminds me of going to see ‘Get Smart’ Friday night. This wasn’t a movie I planned on seeing because of a couple of bad reviews recently printed. My friend and I chose to go because we both see a lot of movies, and so the pickings were slim.

I am happy to report that I laughed from start to finish. There were so many great lines in the film, and the characters were wonderful and, with the exception of ‘86′, they all seemed pretty fresh. Nothing wrong with Smart not having the same shine as the others. It comes with the territory when you’re playing a dunce.

So, tonight watching Ebert and Roper, Michael Phillips panned the film like he does so often. He is as Roper was when Ebert was still on the show. Michael Phillips is truly a bore, just like Roper-only he’s lightened up lately since someone on the program has to seem like they enjoy movies. If Michael Phillips went away and they had someone else in his place, I would be very happy. There’s something too old school about panning good movies, good entertainment. Just because the guy doesn’t enjoy it doesn’t make it bad. It’s when critics get into self righteous slash that they lose me. If they’re trying to be entertaining, they’ve really lost me. It’s kind of a different world now. Something about being in a senseless war maybe; it can be a reminder that the numerous people we all affect are real people, not a bit less valuable than each of us. Devaluation by self righteous snobbery is just a bore. I’ll continue watching the movie review program to be a step ahead of what is coming out, and cross my fingers that MP will be replaced.

For me, though, the question has been stay or leave for a while. The answer is in the question. Helping people is such a great way to go through life. There’s something about this business (or some of the people in it) that I just don’t click with.

I am not sure where I am headed, but would love to be completely on my own, again. I also love working with other people, when there’s an environment of respect. That shouldn’t be too hard to find. Communication is key, and honesty.

Being able to ask someone something and have them respond in a way that keeps the conversation going until there’s a mutual understanding can cure the world’s ills. Something just happened with a couple of friends that reminded me of this. As one says, it’s an itch I can’t quite scratch. Relationships change, and that’s fine. We’re all here to take care of ourselves, and if that means cutting someone out for some reason, don’t pretend you’re not doing that. It makes people crazy to give them mixed messages. That applies to business relationships as well as friendships.

I’ve spent so many hours in sales trainings that teach how to not let that happen, to have up front contracts with people that allow them to freely leave and do business elsewhere. The agreement is that they will tell me that they are going, and that it will be fine. Clients have left and not one has announced that they were leaving. All of the time, not to mention the money, put into training and seminars and paying attention to someone’s website and constant messages, when I could just be working and being productive. Alright, there are things to learn from these pros, and sometimes I look back at some of this stuff and wish I had not done what they’ve suggested. Something about spending 5 or 6 grand on a system, and wanting to believe it’s the magic key…I think I’ve learned my lesson. Not to say I won’t attend seminars or join organizations again, I will. I will not blindly do something that I’ve been told to do. I know I lost one of my best clients by stupidly phoning him from a seminar and asking for a referral. This is what we were told to do by the host. Once I had my client on the phone I felt like a total jerk. This was not the way to do it, personally unprepared, the seminar’s system too generic to work. 

Went to another seminar a couple of weeks ago, and thought the guy was great! It has happened before that the first half of the seminar seems flawless, and I can’t wait to sign up. What is it about the second half, that there is some strange, slight inconsistancy, some story that makes you want to say, ’wait, you’re blowing it’. This recent one went into a personal story that would have been profound had I not already heard that personal story at another seminar, by another company person selling a different system.  Last time that happened, the second half goof, I bought anyway and obviously haven’t forgotten about it, and am no longer a member there, either.

So, the point? I really get it that it is my, and only my, responsibility to take care of me. No one else is going to do it. To get what I want there very well may be a more direct route than passing the Go of the newest star in the market and passing out a few K for promises from them that only I can fulfill.

Isn’t the point of this to entertain, at least me? I know I was throwing some stuff up just to keep it up and now, going back and reading over some stuff, I see I was really throwing some stuff up.

Funny thing about this blog is that I am still trying to hide what I really want to say–or I am trying to figure out what I should be saying.

I’ve been listening to tapes of an interview with Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg lately, and they talk a lot about our inner critic. There’s also talk about morning pages, and that is what this blog reminds me of, in a shorter version. Putting something here to get the act and the practice in place. With that in mind I am going to cut myself some slack. There’s this idea of having to get it right which will keep me from doing it at all. To get it right, doing it regularly will probably help wind it all into place.

As far as what’s going on in my life lately, an old friend has been in town. With him here, I’ve also connected with others who I haven’t seen more than once in the past 25 to 30 years. It is so funny to see these people who haven’t changed. Even if they do look older, they are the same people and are so comfortable to be with.

A graduation party was held today for friends and family. I knew close to no one, and loved watching dozens of people get along and have a good time. The youngest person there will have his first birthday in 3 weeks, and there was a group of women sitting on the sofa. I don’t know the age of each, but one mentioned that she is 94. When I meet people like her these days I want to get closer, find out how they get to 94 while looking like someone 20 years younger. That looking younger is mostly about being present, and maybe that’s the point or the secret I’m looking for.  So many things are really so simple, you just have to remember that.

The idea of inclusivity cures so much. It’s real easy to blame others for the us vs. them mentality, but it isn’t apparent that it is someone else’s doing.

A recent incident, the last in a similar string, made this point unignorable. It is strange to be overlooked when in clear view and close proximity. At this point in life, not exactly hurtful, but the memory of what it does to include any and all makes one wonder why live any other way. And, if I’m expecting this or wanting this from others I must be willing to be an example myself.

Occasionally something will happen, something big like the U.S, bombing another country and that seems to put a perspective in order where the only logical move, to me anyway, is to treat people according to the golden rule-something easily laid claim to and much less frequently done. Remembering to include, notice, and treat everyone with respect and affection makes a huge difference in the way life feels.

Despite the very strange industry I work in being in a state of who knows when it will end turmoil, I find myself on an upswing of happiness these days. The other notable point of this is that it is winter, and for the past five winters living in a low lying daylight starved bungalow, depression has been undeniably with me.

Making decisions could have something to do with it, and menopause at the root of that. Until this season of life took hold, the motto speak only when spoken to could have been my life guiding mantra. Now, I can’t keep my mouth shut. I butt into other’s conversations and enthusiastically give my opinion to anyone in ear shot. Doesn’t matter whether or not we know each other. That budding habit woke me up a bit. I wasn’t use to people scurrying away from me, glancing over their shoulders in retreat to see if they were being followed.

This got my attention in a couple of ways. I was freely speaking, and that’s a major change in who I’ve been. Another thing, though, has to do with a person’s place in the world. Actors who present who they are without trying to erase decades are heros. Kelly McGillis on the L Word last night is a good example. We’re about the same age, and in her the normal changes life and years bring on hadn’t been cut away. Many days looking in the mirror, I use memory more than eyesite as my place in the world is often also based on memory instead of the present moment-another topic altogether. This isn’t to say I am down on people who have costhmetic surgery, I don’t like the part of our culture that says a person has to look a certain way to be of value.

So, in an attempt to get back on to the initial topic, what I have been finding is something shared by a few over the years. And that is, the power and the place in the world I hold are mine and that how I do this is mostly up to me. A normal life? Aren’t they all. Sometimes I wonder about my single existance, ecstatically happy with a house of boys of other species, even different from one another. In my normal life, joy can be where ever I want it to be. 

This Blog has been, for the most part-and that’s an understatement, forgotten. What an incredible thing it is—so this little blurb is just to get my fingertips in action, nothing too meaningful and certainly not profound. Just a little forward motion in the direction of a good and fulfilling habit.

There is a candidate, at least one-but I’m going to focus on one right now, who expresses his love and joy in a passionate way. He obviously loves the country, and understands people, and has been in office for a few years. How refreshing, but that’s what was said about Howard Dean several years ago, and look at what ‘they’ did to him. It seems no one thinks this guy, this current candidate, is electable. But for speaking to my heart, and convincing me of how much he loves this country (something currently lacking in the powers that be), that’s where my dollar will go today.

As much as I don’t like what’s going on, I can’t completely blame those who have been working to destroy so much of what is great about this country for the past six and a half years. There’s a system in place that has not been working, no one has held these criminals accountable. It’s frightening to see how cowardly so many of us really are.

The topic is passion. Do you have any? Does it go beyond your latest trip to the chain of burger places or the bright lights of whatever chain you look forward to pulling your plastic out in? What have any of us done for this country lately?

It’s been said over and over before, here it goes again–it’s usually not as bad as you think it is.

Personally, when things are not good, it is because I’ve done what I’ve done over and over. The thing I do automatically, usually without realizing it. And then I complain. And that is a serious waste of time, energy, and puts the possibility of things getting better into the backseat.

Most of us have something we do that doesn’t help our own cause, doesn’t add to our sense of power; kind of jepardizes it. For me, it’s thinking someone knows something I don’t, that they can handle my life better than I can. The short title is ‘giving my power away.’ Ugh. and then ‘ah’.

There are sooo many ways for me to not do this. And, it is in the paying attention and doing the things that will keep me from relying on someone or something that I become stronger, clearer, and simply happier. Without number one firmly in place taking care of number one, there the journey loses it’s excitement, and may even head toward crash and burn.

Selfishness isn’t always self-centeredness, but may be the best thing a person could do for their own progress.